Federal Workers Send Me Responses to Musk's Ridiculous "Five Bullets" Email

I asked federal workers how they wish they could respond to an email sent by OPM Saturday night. Here are some of the anonymous responses.

On his social media platform Saturday afternoon, Elon Musk tweeted the following:

Shortly thereafter, federal workers government-wide - reportedly including some in the judicial branch and active duty service members - received the following email from the infamous hr@opm.gov email address with the subject line “What did you do last week?”:

Please reply to this email with approx. 5 bullets of what you accomplished last week and cc your manager.

Please do not send any classified information, links, or attachments.

Deadline is this Monday at 11:59pmEST.

Noticeably absent was the threat that a failure to respond would be taken as a resignation. According to multiple emails I was shown by federal workers, some agencies ordered their staff to respond by the deadline. Others told their employees to hold off while they sought more guidance, and still others - like Under Secretary of State for Management Ambassador Tibor Nagy - told his employees in an email "No employee is obligated to report their activities outside of their department chain of command."

Social media lit up with responses to the childish and condescending email, and federal employees sent me secure messages with what they’d really like to say to Musk and the Office of Personnel Management.

I’ve been asked to share some with you anonymously.

Monday: I held my head
Tuesday, Wednesday: stayed in bed
Thursday: watched the walls instead
Friday: was in love

Monday: botched my own penis implant
Tuesday: used my kid as a human shield
Wednesday: ignored a court order for a paternity test from my ivf baby mama
Thursday: crashed my company's stock value for the lolz
Friday: paid some kids to play video games for me

Notice the first letters in this next submission:

• Fulfilled the statutory mandates set forth in 5 U.S.C. § 301 and related provisions, I diligently executed duties essential to the operational integrity of the agency.

• Under the framework of executive directives and regulatory guidance, a series of critical tasks were undertaken to ensure compliance with federal mandates.

• Coordinated with interagency partners in accordance with the principles of 31 U.S.C. § 1341, efforts were made to optimize resource allocation while maintaining strict adherence to fiscal responsibility.

• Key procedural evaluations, as prescribed by OMB Circular A-123, were conducted to reinforce internal controls and risk management protocols.

• Met statutory obligations under the Administrative Procedure Act, I engaged in necessary procedural reviews to uphold transparency and due process.

• Under the constraints of time-sensitive priorities, substantial contributions were made to policy development initiatives consistent with 44 U.S.C. § 3506.

• Strategic assessments were performed to align programmatic activities with agency objectives, ensuring compliance with mission-critical mandates.

• Knowledge-sharing efforts, grounded in best practices and statutory imperatives, facilitated enhanced operational efficiencies and agency-wide coordination.

1. Kept refreshing email to see if I was fired or placed on administrative leave.
2. Tried to concentrate over the sound of colleagues cleaning out their desks.
3. Accommodated the requests for access to classified data by “big balls”
4. Had a scotch.
5. Researched countries I can relocate to.

#1 - Drank an Old Fashioned
#2 - Took a Nap
#3 - Delighted co-workers with sarcasm
#4 - Dropped a tray of chocolate covered pretzels in the conference room before the town hall
#5 - Put Black History Month stickers on bulletin board and gave out emotional support dumpster fires

1. Executed low productivity tasking.
2. Identified opportunities to transition to high productivity tasking.
3. Developed plan for DOGE to fuck off.
4. All the TEAMS Meetings.
5. Responded to meaningless emails about task execution.

This one is to be read in a Trump voice:

• I conducted tremendous assessments—nobody does assessments better than me—to develop the best treatment plans for our amazing veterans.
• I provided top-notch, evidence-based trauma therapy sessions—believe me, they’re the best—to help our heroes overcome their challenges.
• I worked closely with a fantastic team of professionals—only the best—to ensure our veterans receive the greatest care possible.
• I handled crisis situations swiftly and effectively—nobody handles crises better than me—to keep our veterans safe and secure.
• I meticulously documented all sessions and stayed updated on the latest treatment methods—I’m always learning—to provide unparalleled support to our veterans.

1. Stuck pins into Elon voodoo doll
2. Stuck pins into Trump voodoo doll
3. Stuck pins into RFK Jr voodoo doll
4. Stuck pins into MAGA hat
5. Went to buy more pins

1. Interviewed local business owners claiming they ran a ghost catching business.
2. Upon inspection determined the possibility of hazardous waste being stored in the basement next to the containment unit.
3. After refusal to inspect obtained a court order, due to violation of the Environmental Policy Act.
4. Returned with a court order. Shut down the so called containment unit.
5. Shit my pants as a giant marshmallow man rampaged New York City

This one is a Breakfast Club reference and one of my favorites:

Dear Mr. Musk, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Federal career in detention for absolutely nothing. But we think you’re crazy for making us respond to an email telling you what we did this week. You see us as you want to see us… In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a National Park Ranger, and a Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and a mine inspector, a social security customer service representative, and an HR specialist… Does that answer your question?

I will publish more later. On behalf of federal workers everywhere, thank you for reading.

~AG